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Saturday
Oct292005

How To Talk To Pussy

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Saturday Night in Paris

I've been catching up on my reading. Been working my way through The Daily Torygraph when this largish display ad. in the News Section jumped off the page at me - "How To Talk To Pussy" it said. You liar Lambe. No it didn't. It said "How To Talk To Your Cat" which is something I've always wanted to do, haven't you?

"Listen! Your cat is talking to you - she's telling you how much she loves you. Watch! - the special friend who shares your life has so much to say to you about her feelings and needs...if only you knew how to listen and what to look for."

I put the newspaper down and looked at the cat. The cat looked back at me. I read on.

"YOUR TALKING CAT" - this book can really help you...especially when it comes to understanding what your cat is actually saying - not just what you think she is saying.

That's incredible!

"...there's a lot more to cat talk than just "meow". And each has its own special meaning!...Cats have a lot more going for them than most people realise...for example, they are scientifically proven to possess certain telepathic powers for "reading" the true mind-set of a human companion within seconds of observation."

I knew it!

The Advertisment cut to the chase with -

"YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED"

  • Why your cat rubs you to show affection...and how best to show her yours.
  • Why your cat circles in your lap before settling down.
  • Why your cat blinks.
  • How many different ways your cat purrs...and why.
  • How your cat sizes up your friends.
  • Why your cat always seems to come over when you're reading or doing paperwork...and the ultimate toy to distract her.
  • Why your cat doesn't like to be stared at...yet sometimes stares at you.
  • How your cat knows, long before people, when a disaster is about to take place.

And this handy little tome can be yours, postage paid, for the special price of just £11.90 (order within 5 days and receive a FREE catmint)

Then it hit me! This isn't about cats at all. There's a misprint - a typo. Printers gremlins have been at work. The word "cat" needs to be replaced by "girlfriend". Don't you see? Then it all makes sense.

Like this -

"Listen! Your girlfriend is talking to you - she's telling you how much she loves you. Watch! - the special friend who shares your life has so much to say to you about her feelings and needs...if only you knew how to listen and what to look for."

"Girlfriends have a lot more going for them than most people realise...for example, they are scientifically proven to possess certain telepathic powers for "reading" the true mind-set of a companion within seconds of observation!" ( In other words they know when you're lying through your teeth about that night you rooted your secretary after the office Drinks Party )

"Why your girlfriend rubs you to show affection...and how best to show her yours." ( If you don't know I'm not gonna tell you )

"Why your girlfriend circles in your lap before settling down." ( She's had a few bongs )

"Why your girlfriend blinks." ( She's dumb )

"How many different ways your girlfriend purrs...and why." ( you just hit the G spot )

"How your girlfriend sizes up your friends." ( And they reckon size isn't important? )

"Why your girlfriend always seems to come over when you're reading or doing paperwork...and the ultimate toy to distract her." ( I'm leaving that one alone but let's just say it comes with batteries. )

"Why your girlfriend doesn't like to be stared at." ( well if you had a hickey that big on your nose, would you?)

"How your girlfriend knows long before anyone else when a disaster is about to take place. ( she's into Voodoo...I'd get rid of her...especially if you find little dolls with pins in them lying around the place )

So the real title of the book is "HOW TO TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND" which I'm absolutely sure will be a best-seller.

Reader Comments (4)

Why would you waste time talking to your girlfriend, so you can hear yet another excuse why the shell of "The Bearded Clam" will remain tightly shut?

Yakking to your regular (or irregular as the case may be) root, cuts down on boozing time and other fun, alchohol related pastimes. Such as, snooker, darts or glassing some prick who's been giving you the shits for ages but tonight he's so drunk you know that in the morning he won't remember who glassed him.

A wise South Australian Magistrate once said that "a man can use more than an ordinary amount of force to obtain sexual gratification....".

So it's OK to slap yer shiela into submission! Anyway guys, we all know they like it a bit rough, don't we?

Talk to me girlfriend, fuck off, I'd rather talk to me cat.
October 31, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterUncle Pervy
I thought the "cat" was your girlfriend?
October 31, 2005 | Registered CommenterMalcolm Lambe
It's Uncle Pervy, not Claude Balls.
October 31, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterUncle Pervy
"What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama?”

“One is a well turned-out, good-looking, and let's be honest, pretty sexy piece of eye-candy.

“The other kills her own food.”
September 22, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkeeskennis

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