Wednesday
Nov022005

The New Wallyworld T-Shirt

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click to enlarge your penis
Poncy-Voiced Newsreader

"Stay tuned for an important announcement -

(beat)

The New "Welcome to Wallyworld Over-Priced Promotional T-Shirt is NOT
available in the following colours:

Battleship Grey
Puce
Red Herring
Blue Bayou
Buttercup Yellow
Purple Haze
Poodle Pink
Lorne Green
Browneye
Gold fingers
Silver Threads

In fact the new "Welcome to Wallyworld" T-Shirt is not available at all.
There's been a bit of a cock-up. And when we find out
who's responsible there's going to be hell to pay.
This has been a complete waste of time really.

All complaints should be directed to
www.welcometowallyworld.com that's www.welcometowallyworld.com
and once again for all the morons listening
www.welcometowallyworld.com

Thank you...normal programming will resume shortly."

ends

Wednesday
Oct262005

FREE one-way Trip to Bali!

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Bali's Bombing Baby
Wednesday October 26
Paris

This is taken straight off my mates site at THE CHASER Check it out. Sensational Australian humour. They're on television, radio, newspapers and the net. Soon opening a branch office on the moon with a Mars landing planned for 2007.

Garuda offering free one-way tickets to Bali
Their business hurting after a wave of bomb attacks and drug arrests, Garuda airlines are offering heavily discounted ‘Adventure Tour’ packages to Bali. Tourists will be tempted with free one-way tickets and one-and-a-half nights’ accomodation at participating hotels and hospitals. Local gaols are promising even longer low-cost stays.

Check out The Chaser at CNNNN.com HERE as well. The Newsbar is the funniest part for me.

Wednesday
Oct192005

Bush Fishing Trip

bush_vacation_fishing.jpgWodensday October 19

I couldn't resist this. ( Thanks for the pointer Ella.)

I'm gonna be out of the office the next couple of days working on a short, short fillum. But I'll be popping back in from time to time. Please leave a message after the beep.

Tuesday
Aug092005

Have a good die

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Black jeans for your ass
Here’s a funny site for you - www.engrish.com - how our Asian neighbours mangle English. I’ve just spent an hour or so lost in there checking out the shop signs, menus, instructions on goods, hotel room bumf and T-shirt slogans. And I’m not making any of this up.


Signage on Japanese clothes shop: “World’s Famous Brand – “New York”, “L.A.”, “London”. Import Casual Wear. ;01 BLACK JEANS FOR YOUR ASS;


They don’t muck about do they? Get straight to the bottom of things. I’ve included the semi-colons of the original sign.


Menu in Japanese restaurant: Under “Cheese”...”Roquefart”.


Well they’re right...roquefort does smell a bit like that.


Have a drink while you’re at it – “Coolpis” (“you can enjoy the soft flavour and fresh taste”) or “B.J.” Coffee.


Or perhaps you fancy the noodle bar up the road where you can get a “hot bowel rice” or even item #69 on the menu “Fried Crap with spicy sauce”.


Mmmmmmmm I can’t wait.


Hotels are notorious throughout the world, not just Asia, for their bizarre Engrish signage. But the Asian hotels have a certain style all of their own.


When you check into this Japanese hotel “Please shut the door and rock on, Show the room light”.


Right, right I will.


They have some complimentary CDs for you to enjoy too. That’s a very nice touch. Which do you prefer? “Frank Sinatra Best Hits” including “fry me to the moon”. Or a selection from “Eric Crapton”.


If you get across to mainland China, be sure to stay at the Guangdong Victory Hotel. The Housekeeping Department will do their best to look after you. But play by the rules. Especially Rule #5 posted on the back of the door to your room –


“Strictly forbid to go whoring, drug taking, gamble and engage in speculation. Strictly forbidden to spit anywhere, loss garbage anywhere, strictly forbid scribble on every facilities. We’ll handle the violator as our rules.”


Apart from that, enjoy your stay.


There’s great shopping in Asia. Run amok in the emporiums and bargain stores. Be the envy of your friends and family with these cool items – “Pecker” screwdriver, “CRAP” boogie board, “PLAIN” brand ricecooker “this will fit a life you are going to live”.


Pick up a “KISASS” kitchen tidy or some “PORKJOY” “leather gloves for professionals”. Take home some “MY STIFY” cosmetics – “we constantly bring the delicate serious of cosmetics to share with you”.


Then head back to the hotel in your new T-shirt emblazoned with “Why do men love the sky? It’s because countless GREAT DREAMS ARE FROATING THERE”.


Finish your day with a spa bath – a “whole body de-horny treatment”. That’s the ticket.


And as the sign on the door says “Have a good die”.


 


Lambe, paris, tokyo, shanghai, hong kong, seoul. 

Monday
Aug082005

“Hey Joe!...where you going with that gun in your hand?”

hendrix comes.jpgJimi Hendrix’s army service records of 1961, released this week, show that he was a lousy marksman, crap at making beds, owed $80 in laundry fees, slept while he was supposed to be working and most embarrassing of all, was caught by two of his fellow grunts jerking off in the dunnies.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0803051jimi1.html has 18 pages of Jimi Hendrix’s service records. And interesting reading they make too.

His commanding officer recommended that Jimi be given an Undesirable Discharge from the United States Army after reports from his Sergeants, Platoon Leader and Army Doctors showed

“The individual is unable to conform to military rules and regulations. Misses bed check; sleeps while supposed to be working; unsatisfactory duty performance. Requires excessive supervision at all times. Was caught masturbating by members of platoon...he appears to be an extreme introvert”.

Hendrix spent a total of 13 months in the army whilst playing guitar in a band when off duty.

His C.O. said: “At times Hendrix isn’t able to carry on an intelligent conversation, paying little attention to having been spoken to. One point it was thought perhaps Hendrix was taking dope and was sent to be examined by a medical officer with negative results. Private Hendrix plays a musical instrument during his off duty hours, or so he says. This is one of his faults, because his mind apparently cannot function while performing duties and thinking about his guitar...I recommend without hesitancy that Hendrix be eliminated from the service as expeditious as possible”.

After leaving the army Hendrix and his black Fender Stratocaster went on to become the greatest rock guitarist the world has ever seen. He played the right-handed Strat. upside-down and left-handed. And was renowned for playing it behind his head, with his teeth and sometimes setting it on fire.

I'm curious. What song do you reckon he might have been penning whilst in the brasco?  Check these lyrics for clues -

A. Wild Thing

Come on man sing it with me

Wild thing, you make my heart sing

oh

you make everything, groovy

wild thing

wild thing I think you move me.

B. All Along the Watchtower

There must be some kind of way out of here

Said the Joker to the thief

There's too much confusion

I can't get no relief

C. Foxy Lady

Ah, baby listen now

I've made up my mind

I'm tired of wasting all my precious time

You've got to be all mine, all mine

Foxy Lady

Here I come

D. Manic Depression

Music, sweet music

I wish I could caress, caress, caress

Manic depression is a frustrating mess

E. The Wind Cries Mary

Will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past

And with this crutch it's old age and it's wisdom

It whispers no this will be the last

And the wind cries Mary.

 

String it all together and it reads - 

Wild thing, I think you move me

I can't get no relief

Here I come

Manic depression is a frustrating mess

Will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past?

 

 

Hendrix bought the farm choking on his vomit after accidentally overdosing on sleeping pills a girlfriend gave  him. He died September 18, 1970. But the legend lives on.

 

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