Here’s a funny site for you - www.engrish.com - how our Asian neighbours mangle English. I’ve just spent an hour or so lost in there checking out the shop signs, menus, instructions on goods, hotel room bumf and T-shirt slogans. And I’m not making any of this up.
Signage on Japanese clothes shop: “World’s Famous Brand – “New York”, “L.A.”, “London”. Import Casual Wear. ;01 BLACK JEANS FOR YOUR ASS;
They don’t muck about do they? Get straight to the bottom of things. I’ve included the semi-colons of the original sign.
Menu in Japanese restaurant: Under “Cheese”...”Roquefart”.
Well they’re right...roquefort does smell a bit like that.
Have a drink while you’re at it – “Coolpis” (“you can enjoy the soft flavour and fresh taste”) or “B.J.” Coffee.
Or perhaps you fancy the noodle bar up the road where you can get a “hot bowel rice” or even item #69 on the menu “Fried Crap with spicy sauce”.
Mmmmmmmm I can’t wait.
Hotels are notorious throughout the world, not just Asia, for their bizarre Engrish signage. But the Asian hotels have a certain style all of their own.
When you check into this Japanese hotel “Please shut the door and rock on, Show the room light”.
Right, right I will.
They have some complimentary CDs for you to enjoy too. That’s a very nice touch. Which do you prefer? “Frank Sinatra Best Hits” including “fry me to the moon”. Or a selection from “Eric Crapton”.
If you get across to mainland China, be sure to stay at the Guangdong Victory Hotel. The Housekeeping Department will do their best to look after you. But play by the rules. Especially Rule #5 posted on the back of the door to your room –
“Strictly forbid to go whoring, drug taking, gamble and engage in speculation. Strictly forbidden to spit anywhere, loss garbage anywhere, strictly forbid scribble on every facilities. We’ll handle the violator as our rules.”
Apart from that, enjoy your stay.
There’s great shopping in Asia. Run amok in the emporiums and bargain stores. Be the envy of your friends and family with these cool items – “Pecker” screwdriver, “CRAP” boogie board, “PLAIN” brand ricecooker “this will fit a life you are going to live”.
Pick up a “KISASS” kitchen tidy or some “PORKJOY” “leather gloves for professionals”. Take home some “MY STIFY” cosmetics – “we constantly bring the delicate serious of cosmetics to share with you”.
Then head back to the hotel in your new T-shirt emblazoned with “Why do men love the sky? It’s because countless GREAT DREAMS ARE FROATING THERE”.
Finish your day with a spa bath – a “whole body de-horny treatment”. That’s the ticket.
And as the sign on the door says “Have a good die”.
Lambe, paris, tokyo, shanghai, hong kong, seoul.