I've been thinking of Cats lately. Don't know why. Maybe a black one crossed my path and put a hex on me. Or maybe in my subconscious I'm still thinking of what Fingers' Japanese T-Shirt said "Cats know various things". (I'm sure they do, incidentally.) And you know when you start thinking about stuff it's inevitable you start attracting the very thing you're trying not to think about?
So I'm thinking about Mrs Slocum's pussy (well I had to work that in somewhere, didn't I) and I open up the newspaper when this largish display ad. in the News Section jumps off the page at me - It said "How To Talk To Your Cat" which is something I've always wanted to do, haven't you?
"Listen! Your cat is talking to you - she's telling you how much she loves you. Watch! - the special friend who shares your life has so much to say to you about her feelings and needs...if only you knew how to listen and what to look for."
I put the newspaper down and looked at the cat. The cat looked back at me. I read on.
"YOUR TALKING CAT" - this book can really help you...especially when it comes to understanding what your cat is actually saying - not just what you think she is saying.
"...there's a lot more to cat talk than just "meow". And each has its own special meaning!...Cats have a lot more going for them than most people realise...for example, they are scientifically proven to possess certain telepathic powers for "reading" the true mind-set of a human companion within seconds of observation."
I knew it!
The Advertisment cut to the chase with -
"YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED"
Why your cat rubs you to show affection...and how best to show her yours.
Why your cat circles in your lap before settling down.
Why your cat blinks.
How many different ways your cat purrs...and why.
How your cat sizes up your friends.
Why your cat always seems to come over when you're reading or doing paperwork...and the ultimate toy to distract her.
Why your cat doesn't like to be stared at...yet sometimes stares at you.
How your cat knows, long before people, when a disaster is about to take place.
And this handy little tome can be yours, postage paid, for the special price of just £11.90 (order within 5 days and receive a FREE catmint)
Then it hit me! This isn't about cats at all. There's a missprint - a typo. Printers gremlins have been at work. The word "cat" needs to be replaced by "girlfriend". Don't you see? Then it all makes sense.
Like this -
"Listen! Your girlfriend is talking to you - she's telling you how much she loves you. Watch! - the special friend who shares your life has so much to say to you about her feelings and needs...if only you knew how to listen and what to look for."
"Girlfriends have a lot more going for them than most people realise...for example, they are scientifically proven to possess certain telepathic powers for "reading" the true mind-set of a companion within seconds of observation!" ( In other words they know when you're lying through your teeth )
"Why your girlfriend rubs you to show affection...and how best to show her yours." ( Ar... )
"Why your girlfriend circles in your lap before settling down." ( She's had a few bongs )
"Why your girlfriend blinks." ( She's dumb )
"How many different ways your girlfriend purrs...and why." ( count them )
"How your girlfriend sizes up your friends." ( looking for the one to take your place)
"Why your girlfriend always seems to come over when you're reading or doing paperwork...and the ultimate toy to distract her." ( Ah...let me think...would it be "Grand Theft Auto"?)
"Why your girlfriend doesn't like to be stared at." ( well if you had a hickey that big on your nose, would you?)
"How your girlfriend knows long before anyone else when a disaster is about to take place." ( she's into Voodoo...I'd get rid of her...especially if you find little dolls with pins in them lying around the place )
So the real title of the book is "HOW TO TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND" which I'm absolutely sure will be a best-seller.
Postscript: I still can't get away from the bloody cats. Just read a story about a bloke who liked to eat LIVE CATS. In 1788 (that rings a bell) a Frenchman from Lyon, Tarrare, was given a live cat, which he devoured after tearing its abdomen with his teeth and drinking its blood. He later vomited the fur and the skin. And that's how we get the expression "Tarrare-bom-de-ay" - referring to powerful explosions or fanfares and by inference Tarrare's own prodigious flatulence. Google it if you don't believe me. And just say NON if offered a live cat.