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Wednesday
Aug242005

Men are Mutts...Women are Sometimes Venal

completely off his rocker
completely off his rocker
Paris

Thursday August 25

Morning campers. How is your miserable life? Your pathetic existence on this dying planet. Do you think about it much? I know I do.

Is there some grand plan for our lives do you think? Or is it all down to chance? Just a roll of the celestial dice.

Out of the billions of souls on the planet, for instance, what determines who we meet? Or who determines for that matter? Is there some Bozo up there pulling names out of a hat? Or what? I wanna know.

'Cause if there is...I'd like a re-draw. And this time Chief, chuck in more girls. I'd like to meet more women.

("Hang on", I hear the regular readers clear across the pond..."isn't this geezer married?" Well yeah, but just because you've eaten doesn't mean you can't look at the menu, does it?)

So Chief, I'd like to meet more women. O.K.? I like women. You've given half my share to some other clown. Poor bastard...he's out there...wandering around looking for male company...and all he meets is Babes. My Babes.

He's saying "Hey! Where are all the guys? I'm surrounded by women. Where are my mates? I wanna play pool, drink myself stupid, crack on to the barmaid, talk a load of shit and throw up in the taxi on the way home. I've been ripped off!" 

I'm in the corner going "Psst...here...take all my mates...I'll trade you for the women."

"You wanna keep the women as well? (greedy son-of-a-bitch) ...O.K....well how about just one good one?"

 

Call from off camera: "Hey Martha! Come and have a look at this! This Lambe guy's completely off his rocker now. Look at the headline. Now what in tarnation has that got to do with anything in the so-called story, I ask you. Venal - that's a dirty word. What's that doin' there? Humph! Calls himself a writer. Writer my arse. More like write-off! Ha Ha Ha. That was a good one wasn't it Martha...when I'm good I'm very, very good. Hey...let's tell this fella what we think of his stoopid stories...where's that pen Martha...I had it only last week."

There'll be a short intermission while I deal with this interloper. Thank you for your patience. Normal programming will resume in a minute. Lambe, Paris.

SFX: thump! whack! ker-ching

Aw Jesus!...Martha get this lunatic off me...what the hell...Ow!

We're back on air. Thank you for waiting. The interference has been sorted. Coming up next on Welcome to Wallyworld is a delightful new segment on suburban life called "I married a Frog" - kind of like "Lost in Translation" but set in Paris rather than Tokyo. But first this Public Service Announcement -

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