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Wednesday
Jul042007

Six Reasons Why Apple iPhone Sucks

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Image courtesy of Apple
#1. For a start...there's no hairdryer. Are they kidding? What were they thinking? They've ignored a huge chunk of potential users - women, teenagers and gays. And 17 year old Lesbians. And that's downright discriminatory.

#2. Steve Jobs says “iPhone delivers the best YouTube mobile experience by far”. No it doesn't. It plays YouBoob. So what? Everyone knows there's no Porn on the Boob. What they should've done is created a new video-sharing site - iTube or iBoob - dedicated to Hard Core Porn. Know what I'm saying? And that would truly be the best mobile experience by far.

#3. Which brings me to the Touch Screen - who cares about that? I want the thing to touch me. And I don't just want it to vibrate when the phone rings - I want it to be a vibrator. You with me? And while we're at it can you get it to blow in my ear and talk dirty in Lower Estonian?

#4. It's got a camera. Wow. Whoopee do. Trail-blazing stuff. And it's all of 2 Megapixels. Well hold the front page. That's not going to ring my bells Steve. But if it had a High Definition Video Camera...with a 25fps progressive frame rate and...

#5. It plays iTunes - again I'm so excited I could just shit. But through headphones? Nuh. I want my music out there and loud enough to rattle my crowns. Or at least that silly old bugger next doors crowns. This is a major failing right here. I want to piss off every fossil within 100 metres of me. Remember the BoomBox - the GhettoBlaster? That's what I want baby. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

6#. And finally...and again I can't believe they left this off...where's the friggin' coffee-maker? C'mon...it's not Rocket Science...the Japanese have had a Cellphone Green Tea-Maker for years - it can't be that hard to get the iPhone to make a Macchiato can it?

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