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Thursday
Jun282007

Everyone Whos Anyone

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Gerard Jones
American scribbler, Gerard Jones, is convinced he's one of the Worlds Greatest Writers – “How many people can say he or she wrote the greatest work of literary art published anywhere in the world during the first decade of the 21st Century? The indisputable fact is that I'm easily one of the best, if not the best, writer living anywhere on this woebegone planet at the moment.”

He’s written several books and is responsible for the website EveryoneWhosAnyone which lists the email addresses, phone numbers and other contact details “pissing off around 20,000 of the most influential literary agents, talent agents, publishers, independent movie guys, movie studios, media guys, publicists and booksellers, creative-writing teachers and blogger dweebs in the US, UK and Canada for the past five years.”

At one stage Universal accused him of a spam attack and tried to get his domain host to force him to remove the information.

"The site encourages would-be screenwriters to inundate our executives with unsolicited submissions, spam, phone calls," read a letter sent from Universal's legal department. "Since this material was posted by your customer (Gerard Jones), the amount of spam email our executives have received has skyrocketed, with scores of people sending us ideas for screenplays." Jones has also received similar mail from Creative Artists Agency and The Weinstein Company.

He set the site up mainly to find a literary agent and get published. But also "If for no other reason than to share with other writers how difficult it is to find a good agent or get a good book published."

The site lists confidential email addresses and phone numbers (which he's mostly gleaned from searches on the web) and supplies transcripts of the conversations he's had with the various players.

He has been almost universally rejected. Although Daniel Menaker at HarperCollins wrote back saying there was "absolutely wonderful" material in his books.

But Jones was nonplussed. "Dear Dan," he wrote, "I got your note. The only parts I understood were the parts about how wonderful it was. You lost me when you had to resort to combining jazz ostinatos with subatomic particle theory in order to explain why you're not going to publish the son of a bitch. Gary Fisketjon [of Knopf] dissed my ass too, but with considerably less effusiveness."

The books he's trying to flog are sort of Ken Kesey meets Charles Buckowsky memoirs of the swinging sixties on the American West Coast. But so far he’s yet to find success -

“I just got my "royalty" statement from the publisher. GINNY GOOD, arguably one of the top 10 or 20 greatest works of literature ever written, sold 24 copies worldwide in the last six months and I bought four of the copies, myself...so that's what? Fewer than one copy a week? Yes! I get a dollar for every copy sold, though, so in six months I made enough money to pay for almost two of the four of my own books I bought. Yippee! Oh, but wait, I don't actually get the twenty-four bucks 'cause I still owe $1,800 on the $2,000 "advance." Rats. At that rate the advance won't be paid off 'til I'm a hundred and eighteen years old. Oh, well. Melville never paid off the advance for Moby Dick, not to mention poor Van Gogh and Kafka."

Jones says "My goal is to be the most rejected writer of all time. I reached that goal clear back at fourteen thousand or so, but I wanna keep adding to the record so no one will ever break it. When I get done with this round of 'querying' I'll be up to around 150,000 rejections, give or take. I'm proud. I'm happy. It's only fitting that one of the best writers that ever lived should be far and away the most rejected writer who's ever lived ... but the main reason I made the site was so that I could sit down one fine day like today and send all 20,000 of the shortsighted, money-grubbing goons and giggly twits in the book business and the movie business an email telling 'em exactly what I think of 'em ... You produce crappy books and crappy movies for money, I write great books for free. Who would you rather be, you or me? ... live your lies, make your piddly piles of nickels and dimes and Deutschmarks - die, rot, be forgot."
231239-892901-thumbnail.jpgYou know, I've been meaning to write a book for about the last thirty years. I've only ever got as far as the titles. Like - "Bea Bee - the Story of a Worker-Bee Who Didn't Want to Work"..."My Life and Other Lies"..."I Married a Deadshit" and "Knitting With Your Mutt's Hair". Believe it or not somebody actually beat me to the punch on the last one with "Knitting With Dog Hair".

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Reader Comments (1)

Hey, man, you're my biggest fan. Thanks! Here's the latest e-mail I'm sending out:

EWA Sixth Edition

In September or so I'll be coming out with the Sixth Edition of EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IN ADULT TRADE PUBLISHING, NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, BROADCASTING AND TINSELTOWN, TOO: A Writer's Guide to The All-Pervasive Propaganda Network.

Here's the page you're listed on:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/pv/pv02.html

If you want anything fixed or added, let me know.

"Dear Mr. Jones: Everyone Who's Anyone

http://everyonewhosanyone.com

The Audio Book of Ginny Good

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

and The Book of Isaac

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/awsyn.html

form, in total, the most eloquent, comprehensive, erudite, sustained rant against pap, literary puffery and political sophistry the world has ever known."

Ah, truer words was never spoke but it barely scratches the surface. People love living in a complete police state. My little website's gonna win some kind of prize

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/other2.html

after I'm dead. Yippee! The whole thing's way too long, though—just the audio book takes fifteen hours to listen to (it includes 250 clips and a hundred years of recorded history)—and the poor deluded darlings who call themselves "brave, free" Americans these days have let themselves get too brainwashed to pay attention to anything that lasts longer than thirty seconds. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch00introm.mp3
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com

Note: If you don't want me to send you any more e-mails, let me know and I will gladly not send you any more e-mails. G.
June 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGerard Jones

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