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So You Wanna Write a Book, huh?

monkey.gifGo here - soyouwanna.com I was hoping to have a MalRadio Podcast for you today but I can't get the file to load. I've spent all day on it. I'd like to find the bozos that write the manuals for Apple and shoot them. Why is it none of these guys can think logically? As in Step 1, Step 2 etc. And I had to laugh - in amongst their flashy graphics and empty slogans they have a guy doing the voiceover (something about "communication" and the ILife/Imac/Mac crap account) with a speech impediment. I kid you not. Not that there's anything wrong with a speech impediment - mine kicks in about the tenth beer - but fair dinkum. I've been going around and around the Apple site, Garageband, searching the net, trying different formats and .....nothing. I have 13 minutes on MPEG file and on MP3 but do you think I can get it on to the site. Oh yeah...the icing on the cake...there's a new version of Garageband that's excellent for podcasting - but Apple wants to burgle me 200 Sovs or something. Fucking robbers. There's no use trying to contact them either - you could hitchhike to Melbourne and back before they answered. But Heh! At least I'm not prone to viruses. Think I'll go and stick my fingers down my throat...oh yeah fingers...enjoyed your funny story. And WCS - what are the differences between Canuckian supermarkets and Aussie ones? I wanna know. lambe, paris

p.s. Charlie Boy has learned how to say arsehole in French. He's fixated on it. He's walking around my gaff saying Con! Con! Con! over and over. Maybe he's got Tourette's. Connard and the shortened version Con don't really translate but Arsehole or Dickhead enter the spirit of things.

Some advice from soyouwanna.com on Contacting Agents

"The Teaser: In the first paragraph, toss out a teaser. Come up with a first sentence that really grabs the agent's attention. If you're a former astronaut or a Harvard lawyer, throw it at them. But you don't need to be incredible to survive this beauty pageant - what you really need is a nice fit between who you are and what the book you've written is about. For example, "I have been a school janitor for 30 years and I propose to write a book about all the incredible things I have found in kids' lockers."

What would your teaser be? "I've been a wino for 30 years and I propose to write a book about all the incredible things I've found in rubbish bins."

Posted on Monday, February 6, 2006 at 10:53PM by Registered CommenterMalcolm Lambe | Comments151 Comments

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Reader Comments (151)

Good work on the language training Mal. Her indoors must be well pleased.

I'll work on something for you Malkie on the supermarkets - I have another WIP I am trying to finish now - the trials of dating.
February 6, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
I played Newman on Seinfeld for 10 years and am writing a book about my experiences with the cast including many funny anecdotes. I also propose to come out of the closet and will dedicate a whole chapter to my first lover fingers.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNewman
I've been a inconsequential speck on the face of our planet for almost thirty years and plan to write about how insignificant we all are as individuals and the lack of power we carry in todays corporate global society.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUncle B
I've been a typical Canadian for 30 years, and I propose to write a book about living in the land down under, where women glow and men chunder.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
The trials of dating hey WCS? Can't wait - sounds interesting.

Malkie, my nephew hasn't really started talking yet but I have other family friends at about four and five who constantly wander around calling everybody stupidheads and dinosaur bums.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUncle B
Ahh cmon B don't be so negative, I once contracted at a largish company run by complete assholes (Family business, jobs for the boys type of place). One of the IT guys got the shits so badly he trashed all of the companies master data then destroyed 80% of the backups.
The company took 2 months to fold completely.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRob Byrnes
I've been a successful male model for 15 years, featured in publications such as Mens Health and Harpers Bazaar, I have an extensive knowledge of engineering and medicine and i recently sold my chain of veterinary clinics to spend time touring the third world looking for locations for my proposed orphanages, and i propose to write a book about my battles with compulsive lying and identity theft.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWJ
I might write about the trials and tribulations of being a fun guy yet smelling like manure.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermushroom
Nice one WJ. Very suave.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
hey, a kid can have a dream, can't he?
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWJ
Dreams are essential, I'd say. I'm revising mine then.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
Having been a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover girl for the last nine years, I propose to write a book about what life is like at the top in modelling, how difficult it is to be pursued by every hot male actor of the day, and finally how no one can possible understand what a chore it is to be solely judged on your body, not your mind. I'll also go into detail about the difficulties of starting your own lingerie company, and why even all the money in the world can't move you up the list for a Heremes Kelly bag.

And - did you see sian manlte is posting!! ACK!! They are one...
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
Wow. That one was a record for typos. I'm on fire today...
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
Yeah WCS - But when you're a swimsuit model nobody cares about your typos.

February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUncle B
I have been a giantess with man hands for almost 30 years. i propose to waste more space by writing a book on the difficulties of typing when your fingers are bigger than the keys.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermex
I have been a controversial leader in Middle Eastern Politics for over 50 years. I began as a radical activist for Palestinian autonomy but successfully moved over to be a political leader and eventually leader of a people. I propose to write a book on the afterlife
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfingers
I just spit coffee on my keyboard I was laughing so hard.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWCS
OK...stop it.
That's not funny.
It's funny when I do it, but not when you do it...whoever you are...
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterfingers
sorry fingers. I promise not to do it until next time...
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWJ
Can we make a pact not to post under other peoples names. It's really starting to piss me off - At least make it obvious!

But yes WJ - That was quite funny.
February 7, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterUncle B
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