The RADAR Awards
Sunday, December 18, 2005 at 03:25PM
Malcolm Lambe

ani-santahelper.gifSunday December 18
Cold day in Paris

I contribute stories regularly to The Sydney Morning Herald's RADAR BLOG This is my suggestions for Awards.
Yes's that time of the year again. Time for the RADAR AWARDS!

Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking may I just say.....(sfx: tap tap) this mic on? Hello? Ah that's better. Welcome to the RADAR AWARDS night.

It's been a somewhat hectic year here at Radar. Jack Marx left us to go on to bigger and better things (how is the new hairdressing salon going anyway Jack? What's it called again? - "Cuts R us"?)

Then we had Joel Gibson anchor here for awhile. Until he went on maternity leave (sfx: deathly silence)....ah...guess that wasn't funny...I knew I should have opted for the laugh track...Oh one person's smiling...up the back...Georgia Lewis is it? Georgia I'm sorry about the nasty comments I made a few months back. I was trying really hard to win "Nastiest blogger of the year award" but I was blown out of the water by......Oh we may as well start the Awards -

"Nastiest blogger of the year award" goes to Sian for her consistently vitriolic postings. Well done Sian. Who can forget classic lines like - "it's like the Special Olympics - even if you win you're still a retard" and one of your latest regarding "lead balloon comedy". Keep it coming - as the Bishop said to the Actress. You don't get a prize with this Award. Tough shit.

We wanted to have a "Dumbf**k of the Year Award" but management thought it offensive so we've watered it down to "Airhead of the Year". And the award goes to our very own Mexican - Scott' (now with added apostrophe). Your prize is a bound edition of "The Idiots Guide to Everything, Like".
Seriously Scott, you're well-loved around here and bring a sometimes much-needed light relief. How's the pussy by the way?

Talking of pussies...Fingers tells me he's traded the girlfriend in on a Burmese - cat, that is. We were tempted to give Fingers the guernsey for "Nastiest Blogger" but he's not always nasty. Bit inconsistent. But I think youse will agree that he's always funny. No he's more than funny ha-ha...he's "The Wittiest Blogger of the Year". Congratulations Fingers. The Award comes with a GPS to scoot you around those Cronulla roadblocks and a copy of "Turbocharging your Vespa" by Ima Dork.

The next Award has been hotly contested, too - "Pedant of the Year". Yeah I was in the running for it but shot myself in the foot and had to withdraw. But I was no match for this guy, anyway. Not within a bulls rush. Alan Smithee...this is your wasted life. Come on down. "Pedant of the Year". Where does the word "pedant" come from Smithee,...Oh never mind...we've only booked the hall for an hour. Smithee, you could have taken the "Wittiest Blogger" award too. When you're good you're very, very good. Hey Punters, remember his retort to "By the way Smithee, shot any good movies lately?" - Smithee goes "Yeah, one with your Mother and Sister". Gold, son. Gold.

Which brings us to another prestigious award. This man has laid a claim to several awards here tonight. If we had a "Best Haiku Writer" he'd win hands-down. But he was also in the running for "Wittiest Blogger", "Worst Speller", "King of the Punters" and several others - "Mister Nice guy" amongst them. But after consulting with my colleagues we've decided to create a Special Award for "Graciousness Under Fire" (which comes with a Purple Heart) and the award goes to (sfx: envelope opening) our very own Sandgroper - Donnie Mountjoy. Well done son! Even though you had the shit shot out of you in the last skirmish, you got back up from the canvas and managed to mix the Singapore Slings. Sign of a true Champion. Your prize, by the way, is a Kombi trip for two along the Darwin to Alice Trail OR five days holiday in Singapore. Take your pick. But don't hang about.

I think we all deserve an Award for keeping RADAR blog going these past few months. I know I've enjoyed myself tremendously. And I've managed to buy myself a new Benz with the Contributor's Cheques I've earned from Fairfax. Ha bloody ha. (Wonder if the Editor will send me a Chrissie Card?) It's what you call a Win/Win situation - they win both ways. No, seriously, it's been fun. I haven't laughed so much since Granny caught her hand in the mangle.

So who's the "stalwart" of the RADAR blog. Who's always here? Who's made the most comments? Who's the nicest out of all of us miserable SOB's? Yes! Come on down Eesie - now known as Chesty la Rue. Your Award (to take home and keep) is "Queen of the Knitting Circle"
(put your hands together for Chesty) and your prize? - A years Subscription to "NO IDEA"... a hardcover copy of "Life's a blog and then you die" AND a copy of the Cronulla Crew chanting...I mean singing... "No More Lebs". Whack it on your CD and do the Dance of the Seven Heils...I mean Veils.

The second last Award here tonight goes to a newbie. He's only come aboard probably in the last two or three months. But he's come aboard in a BIG way. He's made his presence felt, you might say. He's crossed swords with Fingers and others and can be relied upon to "aquit himself well". He's slung the mud and he's more often than not walked the boundaries of good taste. The Award is: "Most Likely to Take a Life" (sfx: some chuckles)
Aside: gee...I gotta get a new gag-writer. Simon Mantle - you out there? You want the gig?

No...the Award is - "Never to be Trusted taking out your sister" and the winner is - Uncle Pervy, who else? Onya son. Come and get your vouchers for the "All You Can Eat Surf and Turf Night" at the Royal Motor Yacht Club at Pittwater. Dress code: Black Wetsuit and Flippers. Foul mouth optional.

Thanks everybody. I'm just gonna slip out the back and have a cry in the dunnies now. But before I go...there is one final Award. And it's the "Best & Fairest" Award. It goes to Dominic Knight for consistently taking the ball up the middle and only gouging the opposition's eyes when he thought the Ref wasn't watching. And Dom, mate, there's no money left in the kitty for a prize for ya but I'll shout you a sherbet in "The Newport Arms" and either a chew-and-spew or a Lucky & Pep's Pizza afterwards. You done good. Played hard.

Thanks also to all the other regulars - Vic, Blondie, Garry, WJ, Mrs J, Scotty, Simon, Mel, Rob "put those matches down" Byrnes, mushroom et al. We love youse all.

Article originally appeared on flotsam & jetsam from the wordwide web (
See website for complete article licensing information.