Almost F#%ked - my life as a frog
Friday, November 25, 2005 at 03:37PM
Malcolm Lambe

animflag.gifFriday November 25
Snowing in Paris

I know you don't like to read. You just want to be titillated. Aroused. Amused. Brought to a quick climax. I know you don't like to read because I have the stats of Popular Pages and Short Stories isn't one of them. Which is a shame. You're missing out. Yeah, yeah...I know you haven't much time. But some of the short stories are just that - short. Won't you read at least one?

Below are the opening paragraphs of "Almost F#%ked" which is a parody of the best-selling memoire "Almost French" written by an Australian babe, Sarah Turnbull. Sarah met a frog in Woop-Woop,Slovakia and came to visit him in Paris. They lived together then got married. Bit like me and Her Indoors really. Except we're more rock'n'roll. And the funny thing is Sarah Turnbull then went to live on Tahiti. Comme Moi. We were there six months. Three years ago.

Anyway...her book annoyed me and at one stage I threw it across the room. She was always rabbiting on about how she missed getting pissed with her Aussie girlfriends and what a lovely little puppy-wuppy she had and how she told off some poor old Frenchman in the bakery when he chipped her for having her dog on the premises. She's in Paris five minutes and thinks it gives her the right to slag off the locals. So she aggravated me. But fairplay to her - she's sold a shitload of books. And still selling them. Almost French has sold something like 200,000 copies in Australia alone. For a country of only 20 Million, that's pretty good. And its available in the U.K., Europe and the States now as well.

So...this is an extract from my parody. The rest of it is under Short Stories -

Almost F#%ked - my life as a frog. by Loda Bulldust

About the Author

Loda Bulldust is a Paris-based writer. In another life she was an Australian poker-machine addict and pisshead. She hasn’t done much with her life at all. She didn’t finish primary school nor high school but is proud of the fact that she once attended Gamblers Anonymous for almost four weeks straight and has a Diploma (Correspondence) in Primal Screaming. She found herself in France five years ago after smoking too many bongs in an Amsterdam squat and getting on the wrong train. Loda has never studied French but she knows what “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir” means and can tell you to “nick off” in the colloquial.

"It seems like just yesterday that I arrived in Paris – well woke up with a rude shock would be closer to the truth. I looked out the train window at a sign that said “Gare du Nord” and thought I was in Sweden or Norway – somewhere with big, blond blokes that liked drinking beer. Instead I had to settle for smallish, dark blokes with Inspector Clouseau accents and aperitif tastes. I was dressed in my standard summer gear – cargo-shorts and T-shirt, my hair was all over the place like a mad-woman’s breakfast and whilst not exactly woofy, I wasn’t wearing any perfume or make-up and looked like I’d been sleeping in my clothes after being on the piss all night – which was more or less what I had been doing."

Read the rest under "Short Stories"....

Article originally appeared on flotsam & jetsam from the wordwide web (http://www.welcometowallyworld.com/).
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