Entries by Malcolm Lambe (15)


What Not To Put On Your Resumé

The job's in the bag
What Not To Put On Your Résumé - well not if you want the gig, that is.

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

Special skills: Thyping.

My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

I can play well with others.

Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.

Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.

I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.

While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.

My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.

Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.

Referees available upon request.

Previous rank: Senior instigator.

I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.

Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.

Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.

Strengths: Impersonal skills.

Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.

Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

Vocational plans: Sea World.



0144524669600.jpgA New Zealand Christian group has come out and said that not only should you belt your kids but that it's good for them, too. A ten to fifteen minute smacking session is the only way to discipline a child, they reckon. And as a public service they've produced a eight-page booklet on how to use physical punishment under the present New Zealand law. (read How not to leave a bruise)

The group Family Integrity has told parents that smacking can be a "10-to-15-minute process" and that if a child reacts angrily, such as by slamming doors or "pouting", they should be smacked again.

That's the ticket!

"Smacking is meant to drive the foolishness, the sinful manifestations, out of the child's personality so that they do not become permanent fixtures," it says.

They reckon smacking is justified because children younger than age eight "do not think straight" and "lack a developed sense of fair play and duty". (which they pick up later playing Rugby and shit)

The Family Integrity booklet, written by Craig "Smacker" Smith, says the Bible and section 59 of the Crimes Act allow parents to use reasonable force to discipline their children. (No fists, baseball bats or studded belts allowed)

Family Integrity says it is an informal group of families and individuals independent of any political party or church. The group believes "it is right and wise to bring our children up with loving corporal correction" and is opposed to "unjustifiable government interference" in family life.

Yeah...that's the way to go...smack the crap out of the little buggers - they've got to learn to leave the sheep alone.

I don't know why anyone is surprised about this. After all, the original name of the New Zealand national Rugby Team was The All Smacks. It's true. They got that name in the 1800's after delivering a right smacking to the English Rugby Team. The war chant - the famous All Smacks Haka was introduced soon after. Here are the words -

Ka Mate

Leader: Ringa pakia! Smack their botties!
Uma tiraha! smack them hard!
Turi whatia! they'll love you for it!
Hope whai ake! Let the hand follow through!
Waewae takahia kia kino! Smack them hard - as hard as you can!

Leader: Ka mate, ka mate smack 'em mate, smack 'em mate
Team: Ka ora, ka ora harder, harder
Leader: Ka mate, ka mate smack 'em mate, smack 'em mate
Team: Ka ora, ka ora harder, harder

All: Tēnei te tangata pūhuruhuru There is the man so hairy…
Nāna nei i tiki mai whakawhiti te rā …who took the Tiki and whacked the whities
Ā upane, ka upane oh the pain! what pain
Ā upane, ka upane oh the pain! what pain
Whiti te rā, hī! The sun shines out of his freckle!


Real Men of Genius

Talking of genius - this campaign is absolutely. You seen these? The "Real Men of Genius" advertising campaign for Budweiser? Started off as radio Commercials. Love it!


True Love

the morning after
My mate fingers met this sheila in a bar one night and they got on like a house on fire. He started drinking double Bourbons with her and the next thing you know...


Be afraid...be very, very afraid

Annalou, you get the prize for this year's best link sent to Welcome to Fucking Wallyworld. This, my dear, is Pure Gold. Thank you. adcritic.com/interactive

RRM06.jpg And here's another link from Lou. It's a guy phoning in a car accident he's witnessing. He's online to Roger, Rick and Marilyn who host the Morning Show at the top-rated radio programme in Toronto, Canada. Worth playing just for the guy's laugh. Go here - chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf


You Idiot

231239-271113-thumbnail.jpgFrom well known girl-about-town and Adelaide Gourmet Annalou Larsen: Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm an idiot" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything important. It would be like "Excuse me... oops, never
mind. Didn't see your sign."

It's like before we moved recently, our house was full of boxes and there was a removalist truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says,"Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes."
(Here's your sign, idiot)

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up."
(Here's your sign, mate.)

I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing an anti-shark suit. Of course, there's only one way to test it - "Alright Mick, you got that shark suit on?"
"Yeah, it looks good mate."
"Now,they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right," says Mick,"but hold my sign will ya, I don't wanna lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a garage. The mechanic walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I swear he said,"Tyre go flat mate?"
I couldn't resist."Nope." I said. "I was driving around and those other three bastards just swelled up on me."
(You idiot)

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and we drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, burns his hand and then says,"Fuck!...that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive a semi in my early days. One day I misjudged the height of a bridge. The bastard truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local copper shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok...no problem. Until he asked, "So...is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said,
"No mate, I'm delivering a bridge."
(And when I've done that I'll pick your sign up for you.)

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
"No," I replied, "I left about 10 minutes ago. But I'll be back soon. With your sign."

From Snopes.com "We've seen this humor piece variously attributed to Scott Adams (creator of the cartoon Dilbert), Kurt Vonnegut, Jeff Foxworthy, and George Carlin, another demonstration of the tendency to apply well-known names to items bearing no credit or unfamiliar names. Just as any rumor having to do with soda pop gravitates toward Coca-Cola and fried chicken gossip heads towards KFC, so too is the authorship of any Internet belly-shaker laid at the feet of the persons who are considered the best-known the online humorists of our time.

The real author of the piece is Bill Engvall. Engvall has been performing his "Here's your sign" routine in comedy clubs for many a year, and in 1997 he produced a comedy record of that name. That same year he teamed with singer Travis Tritt on a video entitled "Here’s Your Sign," which featured Tritt's vocals over Engvall's spoken-word comedy. It went on to become the best-selling comedy single of the year and, more impressively, finished No. 3 among all country singles."


Drive your dollar further

One for the money
This week: Two 19 year old exotic dancers from Cannes in the South of France robbed a high-roller of €1.5 Million in cash, scarpered in a Mini Cooper S which they stacked and wrote off on Route Napoleon on the way north. They were picked up by a Saab driver who very kindly offered to drive them to their destination in the north of France. The girls fell asleep. The driver stopped for petrol. Sneaked a peak into their bags (in the trunk), saw the money, parked the car and got the fuck outta Dodge with the loot. Leaving the girls with the rusty Saab and a full tank of petrol. The girls had a good sleep.
Police are looking for a Saab-fancier with a shit-eating grin.


There's been a bit of a spillage...

accident.jpg"I thought you said you locked the back doors?"


She Threw Away His Stash

kick mum.gif


Super O Tool

Friday November 4
Paris, Not Texas

This story from The Sydney Morning Herald has got to be a journalist's joke, yeah?

Superglued genitals: she's stuck on you

A US man is suing his ex-girlfriend in for more than $40,600 for supergluing his genitals to his abdomen.

Kenneth Slaby of Greensburg, Pennsylvania, broke up with Gail O'Toole in 1999, after dating for 10 months.

Slaby then began dating someone else but, according to the lawsuit, O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep.

When he woke up, Slaby found that O'Toole had glued his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.

O'Toole allegedly told him it was payback for their breakup, and he had to walk almost 2 kilometres to a petrol station to call for help.

"This was not just some petty domestic squabble," Slaby's lawyer Grey Pratt said.

O'Toole had pleaded guilty to misdemeanour assault and served six months' probation, but her ex-boyfriend is now suing for her damages.

Her lawyer, Chuck Evans, said it was a consensual act and Slaby wasn't permanently damaged.

"This is a case that should have been left in the bedroom," he said.231239-203596-thumbnail.jpg
click to enlarge your penis

Go here for a HEALTHYPENIS.ORG ....."dot org" ha ha